Saturday, October 25, 2008

I started off in a comfortable place. Somewhere I could be me without the likings of anyone else………………..That place was my shell. Where pain was comfortable, and happiness was too much work, where love was a childish game and hurt was homegirl from down the way. Either way Emotions were cop-outs!!!!! Mental nothingness that clouded the brain. They required that “out the box” frame of mind that I just wasn’t use to. Besides, all I had was my shell that already carried the mountains and jungles of my mind. As I became older my shell remolded itself. It was almost as if it was a new skin with two new additions: My trumpet and my voice. I didn’t know it at the time but through all that I had developed the emotion…………………happiness. Once I let her in she erupted into a world of other emotions. I had gained confidence in myself and wanted to encourage others to do the same, and love until every ounce of me was given to help others. Then came giving…………………..Giving had become my favorite past time because if I had it, you had it. It was always a joy to bless others with the same happiness I had……………………..Yeah Had……………….What happens when you wake up with tears streaming down your face and an image of your heart is on the ground with the footprints of those whom you encouraged, gave to, loved unconditionally, and put before your own self????? What happens when you look around and there is no one to push you to move on and bounce back but yourself??? The easiest thing to do…….rebuild my shell. I used everything I encountered. All the hurt, pain, anger, and rage I had to build a foundation that I knew could not move. My mind continued to flash back to everything that caused this pain that kept taunting and drove my anger to places that could take over my world. Then I stopped, I didn’t have the strength to keep going. I just knew that me working from all my anger had got far in the construction of my shell. But it didn’t……………….I was digging a hole into my own heart. There was so much love in my heart that even the thought of neglecting anyone that needed it in any aspect………………….broke my own heart. As I came to realize this, the darkness in the hole I dug became light. I began to build again using the light as my strength and guide. As I continued to work I felt my pain release itself from me and my happiness was restored. I was ready to conquer the world again loving one person at a time, and love so much that my heart grew and I had to literally carry it on a chain around my neck. Then it happened……………I was finished!!!!..............
....I was done!………I was done building!!!…………………but what??? I was so overwhelmed that I never took the time to look at what the light guided me and gave me strength to build…………………….It was a home……………with all my hearts in it. The light had helped me rebuild myself as a person, and I gained my hearts.....................................the people and things I cherish.